Today I understand why we had the impulse to go for Maggy and invite her to be part of the family on the first of January… you already knew that you’d be leaving. You knew that your absence would only be harder if just Jake and Leo were left. You knew it would be even harder after Bumsi’s sudden departure and now yours if Maggie wasn’t around. Yesterday we cried inconsolably… today, the tears continue to flow.
I don’t know how much one can actually cry. I know, I usually cry a lot, but this seems to be something new. I’ve never cried so much because of physically losing a loved one as I am doing now with you. It’s as if my heart has expanded and the depth that I’ve discovered there is now immense. I can’t see the bottom…
I reflect on the fragility of life and at the same time on how strong we are.
We live immersed in our everyday life, in work, homework, plans, in all the details and we lose sight of our vulnerability and fragility. It’s as if we wanted to lose sight of them intentionally. We don’t want to see that we’re vulnerable, we don’t want to be fragile. And so little-by-little, we close ourselves off to love, because it’s really scary to feel this way! It’s scary to lose what we love the most… and in that process by which we manage to avoid loving Love, we become hard, sullen, gray, distant, paranoid.
We start to believe that “the other” is different from me, that I have nothing to do with my neighbor, much less with the lawyer of the cousin of the brother of the friend’s aunt … And the heart starts to shrink, it cools, and by “default” we’ve already lost what we fear losing.
What are we really afraid of then? It’s not to lose love. We fear love itself; because it makes us big, profound, it breaks our molds, demolishes our walls, challenges our beliefs, and unites us. It makes us share…ourselves.
So, on this second day since your body rested, my exploratory journey begins. A new adventure towards an unknown terrain. And I thought I knew a lot about love…but with your existence and your departure, Lua, you reveal a new and vast world of possibilities, lands that I never thought existed.
I make a promise to myself, to you, and to the world to write during this new adventure…
I don’t know who will read these words that I capture, but it doesn’t matter. I trust in your message and in your dictation, and I know that whoever comes to read something about our experience, is because they have something to do with it, because it’s part of this cosmic network that unites us, because that someone is part of me too… because We are all One and everything happens for a reason.
Yeah, I know, it’s a pertty worn-out saying and in spiritual circles it’s used to create biases to not face the “deep stuff” -to stay on the surface of optimism-, and that the “everything-will-be-fine” kind of mentality can be a spiritual by-pass, but I don’t mean it like that. We really are all one, everything is connected and everything happens for a reason… but sometimes it’s too early to even say those words.
The meaning of why these things happen doesn’t always come to us right away, sometime it’s revealed little-by-little and only if we are curious enough to want to discover that meaning. If we don’t consciously try to understand, learn, evolve, and grow, then things will never happen for a reason. They will just happen… passing in front of us like people walking by, like life going by, like dying slowly just to avoid loving ourselves.
Last night you told me in my dreams about how your change of state was helping to heal a lot of people, you showed me people I don’t even know and showed me a man that your departure helped to cleanse the abandonment that had been torturing him for more than 15 years. And I was wondering, “How is that possible? Do you know that man?”.
And you said “You can not imagine how connected we are, it’s like the butterfly-effect”.
Then you added “My leaving is important and timely, just as I wanted it to be and as was agreed. I know it’s hard for you to understand now, but trust … and trust that I’m talking to you from the other side.
“How do I know it’s not my mind inventing these ‘Lua stories’?”, I asked.
“It’s not your mind that will give you that answer, it’s your heart. And the heart doesn’t have the limits of the mind.” And I woke up …
I spent the whole morning trying to catch the memories of last night’s dream; many of us all sitting around a big bonfire and you explaining secrets of the universe to me. How I’d love to have a recorder in my dreams that could be transported into waking-life where I could hear everything again clearly.
And I hear you again inside me saying “You will remember… you’ll remember all the essentials”.
You say I should “love Love, now without a body”… well, Lua, no small feat, that. I want to be strong enough; to be up for this incredible odyssey. I know that great discoveries await me. I don’t want to be afraid of the depth of the soul. I want to be there with you, in the heart of the universe where we all beat as one and it doesn’t matter the “how” or the “when”… only Love matters.
Thank you for this, Lua. I love you always and more and more (if that’s even possible).